To say that I am nothing like the girl I was three years
ago is an understatement.
The transformations that came about, both physical and spiritual, rocked Stephanie to her core. The weight loss (115 pounds), the surgeries (17.5 hours to remove the excess skin and rebuild this body), the people and experiences, the music, the divorce... all culminated in a ridiculously different woman than I and everyone else saw in the summer of 2010, or in the years prior.
Okay, so maybe Bounder is right, and the core of who you are as a person never changes. I'm still the same smart, funny, impatient, resourceful girl I've always been. It's like a tiny kernel of that is all that remains. Sometimes it's pulsing from my center like a beacon; sometimes I tuck it away in my pocket for good luck. But there's very little of that Stephanie still there.
Had I not met Absolem when I did, I
don't know that this metamorphosis would've come about it in the same way. I was stagnant, and it was likely going to
take an outside force to shove me into forward motion again. He was a reanimator of sorts for me, though
he has argued that those things were always there, even when I and no one else
could see them. Perhaps it would've
happened eventually or in some other profound way, but I'll never know.
Through all of that time, I had choices to make. I could move or stand still, stay or go, hide or reveal, be or not be. Often those choices were scary as hell, but I made them. My conscious decisions led me to subsequent ones that permanently altered my course, sometimes with a deep ripple effect. I made mistakes along the way, certainly, but all of those decisions were made with the acceptance that I would rather regret what I did than what I didn't do.
When it came to time to proactively incorporate other people into my new journey, I was shocked to find how often people will recoil from the challenge. They become so bogged down in fear of change, even in the name of progress, that they preferred to stay stagnant in their trepidation. Sometimes they would encourage me to undo the things that I'd done, or even to pretend they'd never happened at all, in order to make them more comfortable in my life or in their own.
Fuck that.
I fully accept and truly believe
that everyone must come to their own changes, to their own transformations, each
in their own way and time. Just because
I can point to the things I've done and overcome, that doesn't mean that I can
expect anyone else to follow my path and do those same things. I don't and can't laud my progress over
anyone else and demand that they do the same, especially not according to my
proscribed schedule.
What I can get irate about is the ones who refuse to take up the challenge at all, who allow their fear to determine their course, especially when they know their life isn't working. Not even that it's not what they want it to be—though that's certainly reason enough to make those changes—but that their lives are just dead, broken beyond certain repair. I know from very personal experience how that is a dangerous and saddening place to be. But to allow your fear to rule your choices and your life is, in my opinion, the exact opposite of what life is supposed to be about.
I don't think that everyone should upend their entire world and begin again. That could be equally as damaging in the end. But if there are things that aren't working, and especially when they haven't worked in a very long time, it's on you to really examine not only what they are but why they are, and to determine how is best to make the necessary alterations. Otherwise you're stuck ad infinitum in trying to learn the simple lessons that somehow you haven't yet been able to grasp.
But when you have the tools and the support, when you are given the unique gifts of opportunity and resource—especially when you're granted both at the same time!—it is ludicrous to me that anyone would choose to ignore those blessings and turn away from the challenge, simply because they are afraid of the hurt that could come with trying.
It's okay to be afraid; it's not okay to be a coward.
Ultimately, I have no respect for
that course of life. I have lost respect for people about whom I
cared very much, who have chosen not
to live their life and to stay trapped
in their anguish. It's like they're
choosing Purgatory over Heaven or even Hell, and I just can't understand it.
My life is a cautionary tale in a lot of ways, I know that. Sometimes I've been more careless with myself than anyone else could ever be with Stephanie. I have often been heartbreakingly careless with others, even sometimes to the point of negligence or malice, and I will do what I can healthily to rectify that for as long as it takes. But only until the amend is made and then I'm moving the fuck on.
While my opinion may or may not matter to you, if you are reading this, it's for a reason. Desperately trying not to sound arrogant, my words have been brought into your life as a result of fate or Fate, and there just might be something here for you to remember. And if you need help, if I can be of some resource, feel free to reach out to me and make yourself known. If I can point you toward your own catalyst for transformation, I'm happy to try. Someone really remarkable did it for me, and I know sometimes we just need that little push to head us in the right direction.
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