Suddenly I see this is what I wanna be.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Suddenly I see this is what I wanna be.

Tomorrow's the day I go into surgery to have the first round of excess skin and fat removed. It's a massive abdominoplasty and body lift, plus lipo on my thighs and chin. I'm planning to go back in six months for a medial thigh lift and brachioplasty.

As of today, I've lost 110 pounds. My original goal was 113, and it's doubtful that I'll make that before tomorrow morning. I'll hit it after, certainly, and that's okay. I've dropped more than 18% body fat and am now in the middle of a normal range for my age and gender. I've lost more than 36 inches in my hips, waist, chest, and boobs. I was a size 24, and now I'm a size 12.

I'm no longer hypertensive. My type 2 diabetes resolved. My health is substantially better than it was when I began this journey 15 months ago.

My trainer, Evan, and I waited until today to do my final measurements and pull together the before and after pictures for the Wall of Fame at the gym. I took the digital files to Walgreen's this morning to have them printed, and the guy working there didn't believe it was me in both photos.

"I thought that was, like, you and some friend. That's amazing!"

One of the other trainers at the gym said I should blog about it online and inspire other people.

"She is!" Evan chimed in. (Though I have no delusions about being inspirational to anyone else.)

I had a really hard time searching for a before picture. Like so many fat people, I didn't like to have my picture taken. It was usually me with the camera in hand. The few pictures of me prior to about 80 pounds ago are horrible, and I won't share them with just anyone.

I could see myself in that girl, but I had to really look for her around the eyes. She looked unhappy and uncomfortable in her own skin, and I remember feeling that way for years.

Now, I'm pretty comfortable at this size. I'm still working out and careful about what I eat. I'll have to be vigilant for the rest of my life. But it's when I see myself naked that I'm most distressed. The excess skin and lingering fat isn't there when I picture myself. I don't see the sags and bags when I envision the real Me.

So I'm starting the process to bring that image out of my mind's eye and into my mirror. I won't have a swimsuit model body. I will still have stretch marks and cellulite and imperfections. I will have huge scars from the incisions. But the bags are so much baggage, of trauma and heartache and self-loathing, and I'm making an exchange for scars that are permanent signs of healing. I'm making a choice to be done with that part of my past and myself and to move on.

The surgery is lengthy, and the recovery will be painful and long. When my pre-op nurse assured me they'll be weighing and measuring everything for my medical record, I joked, "Eighteen inches, four pounds, three ounces!"

In some ways, it is like birthing another baby. It took time and effort to get her here, and I'm cutting her from (almost literally) my loins. I may have been a pretty baby and pretty little girl, but she started to grow into something hideous and ugly, born from trauma and miscare. I've decided to name her Medusa. And like Perseus, I'm taking my mirrored shield and killing that fucking monster.

I'll be out of commission for a couple of weeks. I'll check in when I can, especially on my Facebook page. Wish me well and say a little prayer—if you're the praying kind. If you're not, have a drink for me, 'cause it'll be a while.

When this is all over, I'm getting BIG GIRL new panties—black, with the words scripted in purple rhinestones. 'Cause I totally deserve them.

Posted by StephQJ on Tuesday, January 31, 2012 in Body Image, Muchness, Self-doubt, Self-worth, Surgery, Weight Loss | Permalink