Take a look at my body, look at my hands. There's so much here that I don't understand.

I had a really wretched day on Saturday, shopping for a swim suit and shorts.  I'd been putting it off, hoping to lose as much weight as possible before I had to make that trip to the mall.  I was out of town, then I was sick, but finally I had no choice.  I had to bite the bullet and go to Hell in search of proper summer attire.

Let's be honest: any excuse to go shopping is a good thing.  And I left home early in the afternoon in a good mood.  I knew it would likely be difficult to find something that would make me happy, but I was up for the challenge.  I'm a resourceful and savvy shopper under normal circumstances, and I was confident my luck would hold out.

I was so fucking wrong.

I made it through a couple of stores with very little luck.  I did score a pair of shorts and some tank tops at the Lands End outlet.  Nothing at the second store.  By the time I got to the third store--which I won't name here but will say that it's a store I normally loathe--I was getting really anxious.  I swear I was bloating from stress as I stood under those fluorescent lights, jammed in the narrow aisle between overstuffed racks, growing ever larger second by second. 

By the time I hit the dressing room, I was in a full-blown panic.  I texted my BFF and posted a Facebook status update, completely in an attempt to get someone to reach out and help calm my nerves.  The response was overwhelming.

Shorts and bathing suits are evil. You are beautiful!!!!!

With that kind of success, you can go naked!

ugh.. me neither! I have what I call "big thigh syndrome" my thighs are seriously out of whack with the rest of my body so shorts are ALWAYS tight in the thighs! YUK!! I'm about to start making my own

I think stores that sell clothes like those should have an in-house life coach that subtly makes us feel better about the process.

Listen I am a size 2 or 4 and I can't find shorts either! I am literally wearing shorts from 5 years ago because I hate every pair I try one so don't feel bad. Just go with light weight dresses. :-)

Bathing suits are a bitch at any size. Good luck!

I cry almost every time I'm forced to enter a dressing room, so I completely feel your pain. I've decided that the only way to combat it is to keep repeating "That's not what I really look like" the entire time I'm in there. That, or stores could introduce a policy of handing out Valium to every woman trying on summer clothing. (*Limit one per customer.)

I understand completely. I think there is an unwritten code that clothing designers follow which ensures that people who wear sizes above Large must have only choices in fabrics and cuts that accentuate their size. Plaids, horizontal stripes and gansta FUBU cut pants.
I hate shopping for this reason.

After working for years in a shop that sold bathing suits and after seeing hundreds of women of all shapes and sizes try on suits, the one thing that I believe to be true in bathing suit shopping is this: figure out what you like about you...r body (everybody has at least ONE thing that doesn't make them cry about their body) and accentuate that. If it is your boobs, well, then find a suit that best outlines your bust and ignore the rest. If it is your hips, well, then find something that makes your eyes go for that shape and again, ignore the rest. Find something that YOU are comfortable in that makes your eyes directed to the spot that you want and be happy with that.
I could go on and on about various stories of all sorts of women that I have dealt with this issue - you are not alone, and I have come to believe after women who are size 2 still feel the need to "hide their hips" that it has NOTHING to do with the body but how you feel in it. Be confident in that you have much beauty to give - as you do.

There were also lots of suggestions for suits and places to try.  Ultimately, I found bottoms (swim shorts) at one store and a top (tank) at another.  I still need a second suit, though, and I'm not looking forward to starting this whole process again. 

The truth is, I stood in the dressing room, treading those emotional waters and waiting for someone, anyone, to throw me a lifeline, and I cried.  I looked at my body, 73 pounds lighter than it was just a few months ago, and I couldn't stand it.  I know I have more to go before I'll feel comfortably healthy with my weight.  I also know the amazing progress I've made.  But I still see the ghastly thighs and the flabby arms and I'm disgusted and embarrassed.

Honestly, that self-disgust is nothing new.  It had been there for a long time.  When I saw a picture of myself from last summer, I knew things had to change; it was part of the trigger for the changes in October that led to the weight loss thus far.  But I'm at a stage where I look and feel better in clothes than out of them.  There's extra skin and extra movement that a great pair of jeans can contain, or that a cute skirt can outright hide.  I don't get the luxury of concealment in a swim suit. 

I know I should be proud of how far I've come, of the progress I've made, and of all the work I've done.  But standing in that dressing room made me want to give up, to accept the futility of the my battle, and to eat my way out of the fucking mall.  I didn't.  I got the hell out of that mall, though, where the temptation to allow myself to fail was so overwhelming.  I left and went elsewhere, and I didn't eventually find the acceptable suit and some shorts. 

In the midst of my panic, I texted Absolem, who reminded me to breathe.  I asked him if I can ever overcome these body image issues, if I'm strong enough to do it. 

Yes u can

I know he's right, but this is one of those moments when I can't do it just because he, or anyone else, believes in me.  Unless I believe in me, unless I can find a way to make peace with my personal, glaring imperfections and how I perceive them, I will never, ever come to terms with my body.  DH suggested recently that I want to be young and thin.  I told him no, that I want to be 38 and healthy.  Part of being healthy has to include the acceptance of a pragmatic vision of my body.  I want to be able to see what I think of as good or bad and recognize that it is only natural.

I hope the day comes when I'm content and confident in my own skin.  What I won't do is give up now, when I've come this far, and let the fat little girl inside win this one.  I've told her before, and I'll keep telling her, to stuff a cookie in her face and shut the fuck up.  I've got better things to do than sit around on my ass, waiting for her to get happy.

   

 

Comments

[Cheryl, Castro Valley, CA]

I feel you and I am with you. It's so hard to see the progress when all you can see is how much more needs to be done. Persevere! The rest of the world sees your progress and the beauty inside and outside, even when you can't.

And when that fat little girl wants to open her piehole again, tell her to shut it or you will stuff a rice cake in there. That should do the trick!

[Leigh]

Have you ever seen the movie "What the Bleep Do We Know?" I think you would find it interesting, if you haven't seen it before. I saw it for the 3rd time about a month ago. The thing that struck me on this viewing, which hadn't struck me before, was the whole section about how negative thought patterns create a track for themselves in our brains, electrically, and if you never say anything positive to yourself, your brain can "forget" how it feels and what the electrical pattern is for those thoughts. It was a powerful message for me at a time when I am stuck and frustrated, waiting to take off on my own journey, partially inspired by you, but unable to until I get the other health issues straightened out. Reminded me that I am the only one I can rely on for positive self-talk and that it MATTERS for me to think kind thoughts about myself, even if I don't want to. I can train my brain to "forget" the trash talk and I can only imagine how it would feel to look in the mirror and really love the woman I see there.