I said it very loud and clear, I went and shouted in his ear.

I'm going to tell you something that may come as a surprise: I'm a bit boisterous. 

I can be loud, certainly, but that's not even the whole of it.  I'm vocal and vociferous and verbose.  And, okay, loud.  Sometimes.

Here's the thing, though: I'm pretty good, usually, at letting people know what I think or what I want.  This isn't something that came easily to me.  Really, it took me quite a long time to be able to vocalize when I was upset or unhappy or hurt.  Or even if there was something I really, deeply wanted but was afraid, for whatever reason, that I would be denied. 

It's easy to be open and honest when I'm happy.  My flirty, jovial muchness can be contagious and endearing (and, yes, overwhelming at times).  Truthfully, I may be too open when I'm in the best frame of mind, because I see very little reason to inhibit my honesty.  I'm capable of self-repression, but I think I spent such a long period of my life shoving down the things others didn't like, that in some ways I'm rebelling against it all now. 

For years I was crippled by the idea of telling someone how they had hurt me, or that I was truly unhappy about a situation.  I had real difficulty expressing that interpersonally.  I wonder how much I contributed to global warming by spilling my guts on paper and then burning the letters.  (Though that's still much safer than email.  Oh, how there needs to be an unsend button!)

At times, I was afraid of the possible rejection.  Other times, I was so committed to wallowing in the Sorrow of the Moment that it would've killed my downer buzz to actually confront a difficulty. 

Absolem reminded me recently that I have to be willing to go after the things I want, to be forward and make those desires known if I ever want them to come to fruition.  He's completely right, of course--He's wise.  He's absolute.--but it's still sometimes hard as hell to overcome those nagging fears that I'm undeserving of what I want, or that it's vainglorious or selfish to want things that aren't automatically offered to me in my somewhat-privileged and sometimes-spoiled life.  And to expect things seems the height of hubris. 

So I spend a lot of time practicing being straightforward about what I do and don't want.  There are times when I will absolutely rub other people the wrong way, and I usually don't care.  But sometimes, I'll do something that irritates someone whose opinions or feelings do matter to me.  Often times I know when I do something that may be off-putting to those people, but that doesn't necessarily stop me from speaking my mind.  As I've said many, many times, "If you don't like it, don't look."

It's when I say something, publicly or privately, that's unintentionally hurtful or especially thorny that I want to revert back to the shy, sullen girl in all black who would never, ever have told you how you broke her heart with your harsh tone or unexpected distance.  Who would never, under any circumstances, let you see her cry, and maybe not see her laugh, either, because that would involve actually letting someone inside, someone who might be able to break their way out and take part of her with them.

Now, as a semi-adult, I'm actually pretty controlled about what I reveal, though that's counterbalanced by an honesty that can be boggling with its energetic whims.  I have things I only share with my Secret Keepers.  In return, I'm the Keeper of Secrets for a select few.  I will never, ever reveal those things, because they were given to me in the most sacrosanct moments of friendship and intimacy and love.

But if it's something about me--about what I think or feel or dream--and I've decided it's something that I'm willing to share, there's almost always a reason for it. When I have the courage to find my voice, whether written or physical, I will share that with whomever wants to listen.  It's probably taken a huge Act of Will for me to be so candid, and I'm probably scared to death, deep beneath the bravado and the booming laugh and the big, heart-shaped smile. 

If you've ever been caught in my backlash, I apologize.  It likely wasn't intentional; I promise you would know if I were gunning for you.  All I ask is that you remember that I'm still battling that scared, sullen girl who would rather run from the sunlight than risk being burned. 

I can step out into the sunshine now, but I will almost always be hiding behind a big pair of sunglasses, just to make sure you can't actually see my eyes.

Elvis Costello - Sulky Girl (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Elvis Costello

Comments

[Cheryl, Castro Valley, CA]

This reminded me of my best friend. She can also be loud, boisterous, hysterically witty and fun to be around. (I admit it, I've stolen some of her funny one liners. They were just too good not to share.)

In the past few years she has found and begun to use her voice that tells people it's not OK to treat her badly and that she will no longer turn the other cheek, smile and pretend you didn't just say mean and hurtful things. The voice that says what she wants and believes that she does deserve good things in her life. Yeah, she's gotten a little badass and I love it. She is a wonderfully caring, loyal and devoted friend who truly does deserve all the best life has to offer. She has a beautiful heart and soul and would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. She's one of the best people I know! She is one of my Secret Keepers and I am honored to be one of hers.

Steph, I haven't known you very long and we haven't even met in person (I know, you didn't know this, right?). Some people would say that means I don't know you at all and maybe they are right (it is the internets after all). But I'm guessing you have a lot of those same qualities, too, hiding behind those big sunglasses. The more I read your blog, Steph, the more I understand why I like you so much!

Also, you know, uh, there's the added bonus, a minor fact really, that when you have boisterous, mouthy friends they tend to say out loud what you're thinking anyway but don't have the courage to say yourself. (*insert nervous laughter here*) Yep, I'm lurking right behind you ready to say "Yeah! What she said!" LOL!

[StephQJ]

I *love* it when you comment. You always make me feel like I have done something right. I hope you add me to your list of tall, bossy friends, and I will be more than happy to kick someone in the shins, very loudly, if you ever need it!

[Faithkarma]

Your voice is inspiring me. Having read some of your blog posts (and you have so much going on I get a little dizzy on your sites) it has helped me in my search to excavate my own buried voice and to question myself a bit deeper and with more honesty. I think you are very brave.

Thanks.

[StephQJ]

Thank you! That's so kind! I know I can be a little frenetic, and I was reminded this weekend that I'm a little intense, both of which can be double-edged. I really appreciate your reading my stuff and letting me know that it touches you. That means the world to me.